NinetyEight Percent
by PayPerMint
Summary: "I'd always known Zim's tongue was weird and snake-like but I'd never actually thought it was... weird and snake-like."


**A/N:** Yep... This is my first Invader Zim fanfiction, and my first published fan-fiction. I've read many ZaDr fics, and one thing that always got me was when they'd start to kiss. So then I wondered just what percent water saliva was. Spit just so happens to be 98% water! So, I would imagine, it would be very painful for Dib and Zim to do any _superfantasticwonderful _smooching. Y'know? And then I thought about the shape of Zim's tongue... It's kinda, well, triangular. And sectioned off. Wouldn't that feel weird? So, anyway, I hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Jhonen Vasquez. If I owned Invader Zim... well, there's really no way I could. Let's leave it at that. D8

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There are many strange things that come from me being with an alien. First, there's the fact that _I'm with an alien_. Then there's the strange feel of their skin. For those of you that don't know, it feels like a hybrid of a cat's tongue and lotion. Then there's the way his claw doesn't feel right in my hand, yet fits there perfectly. Then there's the fact that looking in to his contact-less eyes gives me the chills, and not in a good way. Crimson eyes with no sign of a pupil can really get under the skin.

The strangest thing about and alien though, is his tongue. The first time we _really _kissed was when we were Freshiez in Hi Skool. Before then, there was a little bit of cheek action, and even a little bit of lip pecking, nothing exciting. My lack of experience kept me from really going for it. When it did happen though, I freaked the fuck out.

He was sitting on my bed. I'd just hung another "Aliens Exist" poster on my wall, this one overlapped another poster with a near-sighting picture of Big-foot on it. I was feeling quite proud of my positioning when I noticed the scaliness of Zim's tongue as he stuck it out to put a tiny square of Waffle on it.

I'd always known Zim's tongue was weird and snake-like but I'd never actually thought it was... _weird and snake-like_. The time felt right, and so I told Zim that I wanted a _real_ kiss. He'd laughed at me at first, then asked if the other kisses had been fake. It was weird to have to explain the difference without sticking to his logic of "real" and "fake" and it took damn near fifteen minutes of an argument before we finally agreed on the "terms" we would use for our kisses. All kisses were real. However, the kind that I just brought up were to be called invasive; a name he came up with because that's how it sounded to him.

So we started to, well, y'know. I parted my lips for him and when he slipped his tongue in I practically gagged.

The feeling was so, well, disgusting! I broke contact almost immediately and lowered my clenched lips to my hand, trying not to hurl the Poop soda and Beans I'd had for lunch.

His tongue was even more amazing, (maybe "amazing" isn't the right word) than I'd ever thought! Granted, I haven't had any other tongues to study from. Still, it was obvious his was dry, sectioned off, and an odd triangular shape. It was kind of like suckin' on the Pyramids. Not that I've done it, but if I could I would probably feel that.

Though I was busy gagging, I somehow managed to notice that my reaction and Zim's reaction were quite similar. Only, my tongue felt three sizes larger than normal pressed against the roof of my mouth, trying to keep any and all vomit down. His tongue was out in the open, stuck out as far as he could get it. He had the mini fan from my desk blowing at its highest setting to try and... what? At the time I couldn't figure out what he was doing. Then he saw me looking at him quizzically and yelled "I' burnth!"

Spit! Of course! I didn't know much about what made up saliva, but I knew that the majority of it must be made of water! Damn, that was cruel of me! And I didn't actually realize what a douche-bag I was being when I'd asked this of him.

Then I smelled his taste buds (do alien's have taste buds?) burning. My gag reflex had already been put on standby, so now it was extra sensitive. That foul smell almost brought my lunch back.

Even though I may be able to get used to the strange Pyramid-of-Giza feel, I'm not sure Zim could ever get used to his tongue and mouth being charred. Still, there is always a chance he won't take this defeat in stride. He'll probably come up with a way for us to make out without the burning sensation he feels.

I just hope it doesn't include him dehydrating my entire mouth.


End file.
